Some punk loser rants on about life in general (not the MxPx album).

 
***WARNING, SERIOUS BLOG FOR ONCE, if you're in a crappy/weird mood already, don't read this*******


Shit. I just played this song I haven't played properly in over a year. I wrote it once when Joel and Ciaran made me feel like absolute shit. It was a really dark, hateful song, and I don't know, it's just like... well you know how sometimes you can't listen to certain songs, cause they bring back bad memories? Well, I was liek that. And I played it, and I sang my little heart out (badly, mind you) and God, it was like I was back in year twelve again. They used to just push me and push me till I felt so angry and upset. That's why I hate it when people are mean to other people to "get a rise". Cause it's not fucking funny at all. It hurts like hell to know someone is manipulating your emotions so easily. if I had really hated them, it would have been easier to handle. But I wanted to be friends with them, and most of the time we were, unless they were in a shitty mood. And fuck, I'm almost crying now. I've got this shakey feeling all over. Liek I played the song and just sat there afterwards, thinking about it all. I think I put really high expectations on people, and they let me down every time. And what's the fucking point? If people are onyl going to hurt you, why open yourself up to them?

...Cause I don't know any other way to be. I'm not sly, I'm not reserved, and I can't lie. I've always had the worst conscience in the world, it just wont give me a break, so I pretty much have to be 100% honest 100% of the time. I don't think I'll ever get used to how hurt it gets me, though. It seems like life's just the same story ovwer and over with different scenery. And I don't get why it has to be like that! Argh!
But when I think about it, the song wasn't about hating anyone in particular, it was just about hating the way things work in general.And how people don't know how far they are pushing you when yhey're just mucking around. FUCK THEM! What a bunch of losers. Seriosuly, what is it that makes people always give me shit? am I a threat, am I that bad a person? Could someone tell me, because I think I'm missing something here! People always get stuck into me for being myself. What else am I meant to be?
I said to Mat once in a letter that I would rather have the highs and lows than just be numb, but I don't know if that's true. Numbness doesn't make you strat crying when you see someone else you care about crying, numbness doesn't break your heart, numbness doesn't make you want to throw something because of the fact people can't just get along with each other and get over all the bullshit. Mel was one of those people who could, like, she had "emotional intelligence" or whatever it is, she could make me feel better, Amt mat was always good at calming me down. Kal was good at telling me not to be a fuckhead, Andrew could always make me smile (when he weren't in hate with each other - I think that's the only phrase for it, it was such a passionate thing) But now, well i don't see those guys as much any more, and besides, they aren't the heros I make them out to be in my head. Friends and cool, but in the end you're alone. I'm alone. And we keep trying, all our lives to not feel so alone, then we die. How depressing.
posted by muskawo at 8/30/2003 11:00:00 PM